Monday, February 18, 2013

I'm having a bad day

Nothing really brought it on. In fact this day is the best in my week, I have nothing to do. I dont have to leave the apartment at all if I dont want to. I could sleep or eat all day. I've been watching movies and Ive had a good day at school.

But for some reason I keep thinking back to my last day in the hospital with Jude. My last night, my last day, and the hours after he was "gone".

They come like flash backs or nightmares. I grieve all over again, crying for something I knew I wouldn't have. Then I want to cry because I'm crying over something that I shouldn't be over more.

I want to lay in bed, cry, spend money I don't have on things I don't need, I want to dye my hair to feel better about myself, I want to ask Greg for a recent picture but I wont because I don't want to over step boundaries, I want my mom here so I can cry and not feel stupid for doing so, and I want Victor here so I can cry and not get judged for crying.

I think I need a therapist. 

Saturday, January 26, 2013

A Long Post About The Future

I've been thinking about having kids lately. Everyone and there mother is pregnant with their second child (which if you are, congrats! I love babies!), and my uterus is like "Gimme!". Honestly, I don't want kids right now or even in the next 2-3 years. Im going to say the thing the birth mom isn't supposed to say.

I like not having a kid.

I get to sleep for more than 5 hours a day. I am free a good portion of my day. I can go to school and just focus on school. I only have to worry about my self, which I can barely handle. I love being almost 22 years old, and actually being able to act like I'm 22. This doesn't mean that if I had kept Jude, or if another baby came along I wouldn't rise to the occasion. I would try to be the best damn mom I could be, and love being a mom. But sometimes, Im just glad my biggest problem with Jude is what to get him as a present.

With all these new second babies though, my uterus is screaming for a baby and Im starting to feel it. A lot of girls on blogs I read are pregnant with their second, a lot of girls out in the real world are pregnant with their second, and even Katie is pregnant! Thanks to every one who helped me with that by the way, I do feel better and I have gotten lots of help outside of Tumblr as well. (She's having a boy!) We'll, at first I was like, "Is that what I should be doing? Having my second baby?". It seemed like everyone was doing it (HA!), and it made me feel left out. But then I really thought about it and I came to a conclusion.

Parents with more than one child take this with as much "No Offense" as possible. I don't like the idea of more than one child. It legitimately am scared of the idea of having another baby down the road, because I know to some extent it would take away from Jude. I love Jude so much, and as moms know, that love just friggen' comes out of no where and it is the most intense thing in the world. It's not the love part thats getting to me, I would love my kids equally if I had just Jude and another or Jude and 5 more.....yeah, No 5 kids is not happening even if hell froze over.  It's knowing that by having that kid other kid, you loose time and experiences (and sanity from what I hear). You also have to share attention between the children. I feel like its such a bummer for that child and parent. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing or that I'm judging parents (and if it sounds like that, sorry). Obviously there are huge bonuses of having a sibling/new baby, but to me its just...scary.

Does this mean I will have only one child in the future? Maybe, I kinda have a feeling it wont work out that was because (TMI) I am a horn dog and accidents happen. If I could plan though, I might just have 1. 2 under the condition that they are at least 7 years apart. I feel like its enough time to enjoy the first babies time as a infant, toddler, and young child. Then they are off at school and other activities, and during such you can enjoy time focusing on baby being a baby, and then the rest of the time, split the attention. Plus I'm hoping I'll be married and then we can each take a kid and focus on that kid.

I heard some where that people fear the unknown. I am technically talking out of my ass, because while I am to a small extent a mom, I don't have child experience outside of nannying/babysitting. For all I know I am an ignorant SOB, and don't know what Im thinking. I do know, that I need to stop worrying and enjoy this time of my life. Cause I'm not getting it back.