Thursday, December 13, 2012


I need everyones help for this one. It’s not urgent, but the all caps most likely got your attention I hope. :)
With finals coming to an end soon (THANK GOD) and having some time to do some creative things, I was thinking I would work on Jude’s Information book. The idea behind this Information book is to provide information about Victor and I and our families for Jude. Things like what were like, our family trees, why we gave him up for adoption, and maybe a letter to him for the future. I want him to have this so that if he wants to know about us, but doesn’t want to meet us yet, then he will have something to look at to know us with out meeting us. 
The problem: I don’t know what to put in it other than the ideas I suggested above. :/ This is where you lovely people come in. Can you give me ideas and suggestions as to what to put into this book?
What would you want your birth children to know about you? What do you think they want to know about you? What messages, pictures, thoughts, and any thing else you can think of would you want them to know/see?
What things would you want your adopted children to know about their birth parents? What do you want to know about your child’s birth parents? Are their stories, messages, pictures, or thoughts you would want your child to know about their birth parents?
What kind of things do you want to know about your birth parents? Would you want a letter from them? Pictures? Stories? Would you want a family tree of your biological family? What would you want them to say to you about anything?
If you had the chance to ask your parents anything, what would you ask them? Is there anything you would want to know about your parents? What would you want your parents to tell you?
I will take any suggestions, ideas, questions from anyone, you don’t have to be following me to answer these questions. Like I said, its not urgent, but once school starts up again in January, I wont have much time again. So, please help?

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

2nd Birthday Visit

This past weekend I met with Jude, Katie and Greg. It was Jude's 2nd birthday on Monday, so we celebrated. We met at the Children's Discovery Museum. It was just me this visit, which was very nice. Victor was unable to come this time, for personal reasons. It was just the 4 of us, which was nice.

I think all of us were really quiet this visit. We talked I mean, but there were lulls in the conversation sometimes. I personally was dead tired from the previous night of shenanigans and had a lot on my mind. I was so tired I didn't have time to make the Yo Gabba Gabba cupcakes I wanted to. I just ended up going to a local bakery and picking out like $40 worth of treats. Jude and his folks didn't seem to mind though.

Jude was just great. Apparently he had a cold this visit and had a very short nap before getting to the museum, but that only slowed him down a bit. We ate some food truck food, which was super good. Then went into the actual museum. Jude is a very smart boy. He talks a lot, loudly, but a lot. He's curious about everything and likes to explore. Katie and Greg are doing a great job. Jude is a huge ham. Always smiling for the camera and saying "cheese!". Some times he'll even pose.

He is just the best and the cutest kid around. I would have to say his only problem right now is sharing. Only child syndrome is a tough one to break. I have confidence though that Katie and Greg will nip that problem in the bud and/or he will grow out of it. I took a lot of pictures with my own camera this time, but it really prevented me from interacting with Jude. Not only that, but I was pretty much a pack mule with my purse, Jude's presents from Victor and I, and the sweets I bought. I had my hands full.

A couple of hours later Jude was getting fussy, and we adults were pooped. I walked them back to the car and we got the group shot I wanted. We briefly mentioned the next visit in February and said our good byes. I got hugs from everyone and kisses (besos) from Jude. Off they went and I caught the light rail back to the place I was staying.

Victor was bummed he missed the visit, but he had bigger problems that he needed to deal with. The pictures I took cam out ok, I'm n professional, but they will do until I get the one's Greg took. I'll be like an excited puppy waiting at the mail box for the next couple weeks.

All in all, It was a good visit. Even emotionally I am fine. Like any mom, I'm bummed he's getting older and not a little baby any more. However, I'm not sad. I'm a bit off balance if that makes any sense. Natty was telling me how much people back in Jude's home town people love him there and how he never wants for anything. This is all wonderful to hear don't get me wrong, but I couldn't help but wonder 'What does he need me for?'. I'm not really sure if he will. Honestly, I think I'm ok with that, but its just weird. I had this vision of what I wanted to be in Jude's life or at least what I wanted to be and now I've come to the conclusion that I might not be anything. I guess time will tell. I can't wait until christmas to make his present. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Goal for Next Visit

I have one real goal for this visit coming up in a couple of weeks. It will be his birthday visit and I am more than excited to see them. I have his cupcakes all planned out and maybe a few Balloons. My one goal is to get a picture of all five of us, Victor, Jude, Katie, Greg, and I.
A couple of months ago I realized that I don’t have a picture of all five of us. I have a picture of Katie and Me at the hospital before Jude was born, but thats it. I feel like the hugest bitch for not asking for a picture of all! I guess I just wasn’t thinking, plus what does it say that they didn’t want one either? I’m not even going to think on that….
I will get that picture! It will happen!

Friday, September 21, 2012

In a little less than a month, Jude will be two

 For what ever reason, I seem to be taking this hard. I don't really know why. It could be because it's shark week (TMI), I'm in a new place and lonely, or a lot of girls I know are on to their second child right now and my uterus is saying "Um, hello?! When's it my turn?" (I usually just laugh at my uterus and tell it in a evil, maniacal way "I planted a device that doesn't allow us to have kids. You will be childless until 2016! Muhahaha!" At that point my uterus stabs a knife in me and calls it cramps...... Annnnnyyyyyywhhhoo)

Two years old, bajesus, where does the time go?! It just seems like yesterday when he was born. As creepy as this sounds, I can still remember his baby smell. I remember when he was first born and just all of a sudden there. He was a passive baby, even as a new born. He came out quiet, cried for a minute, stayed pretty quiet. I had a c-section, so after he came out they whisked him off for tests and food and such. My mom went with him, Victor stayed with me and assured me that Jude was fine. A couple of minutes went by, I knew Jude was fine with the nurses and Victor and I were just passing time with some of our witty banter. And then, all of a sudden, there was a baby in my face.

So many different thoughts went through my mind in a 1 second span. He didn't seem real. His face was to squished. He didn't look like he was breathing, but to me babies never look like their breathing. As far as I could tell, he was sleeping. I literally thought to my self "This really would be my child if he the first thing he chooses to do in the life is sleep". Despite all that going through my head, I spoke.

"Oh! Hello! Your here"

He opened his eyes and gave my face a quick look over, as if to say "huh? Oh yeah, I know you. Ok, back to sleep". From there he was passed around to Victor, my mom, different nurses for tests. I didn't get to really hold him until I went to recovery. Everyone kept telling me that holding a new born was like holding a loaf of bread. Incase anyone was wondering, holding a 10 pound baby is nothing like a holding a loaf of bread. I can still remember feeling the weight of him in my arms for the first time. 

Baby nostalgia I guess.

Victor and I have a visit coming up in October. We found a book we would really like to get him for his birthday. I thought of maybe an art project as well, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull it off before his birthday. Unfortunately due to being broke college students this year, Victor and I can't get Jude anything big this year. Its a bummer for us because we love making him something big for his birthday. Maybe for christmas we will do something, but for now it's just the book. 

I plan on making a small treat, like cupcakes or cookies for the visit. It should just be Victor and I. I'm hoping we go to aquarium, mainly because I want to go to the aquarium really bad, but I think Jude would have a good time too. But I would be fine with the beach, Happy Hallow Zoo, SF Zoo, or even a near by park or activity center. I don't really have much planned other than enjoy what ever new tricks Jude has learned, get as many pictures as possible, maybe have Victor get close enough to Jude so they can fist bump, and have a great time with Katie and Greg. 

I'm stuck trying to figure out what I'm going to make. Victor and I aren't a huge fan of giving Jude sugar. For his first birthday I tried to make his cupcakes as sugar-free as possible. This time I'm thinking cake pops with a light frosting, cookies, german pancakes (I think thats the name of what I'm thinking of), maybe a chocolate covered fruit of some kind. I'll play around with some ideas, but if you guys have suggestions I would be happy to hear them. :)

I'm really excited to see Katie, Greg, and Jude again. I don't just miss Jude, I miss all of them. Three more weeks! :D

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

7/21/2012 Visit with Jude

 I finally got lazy enough and oddly motivated enough to write this. (Yeah, I'm an oxymoron, just deal with it.)

So this visit was by far the most drama filled. Originally, this visit was just supposed to be the kind of visit Victor and I wanted, which means just the two of us enjoying Jude, Katie, and Greg's company. I wanted a picture of all five of us and maybe a girls picture and a boys picture so I could hang them up at my new place. It was going to be simple and nice and as quiet as a 2 year old toddler could be.

Well that didn't happen.

We were all supposed to meet on july 21st. But then Greg had to attend a meeting that got changed to that day, and wanted to meet either later the 21st or 22nd. We decided the 21st because Victor and his family were leaving to go to San Diego the 22nd. Then Victor's parents changed their plans and decided to leave the 21st as well.
You see to pull this visit off with just the two of us, we kept Jude's visit a secret. Its not that we don't want other people to see him and his family, we just want them to our selves some times. However, we have a hard time saying no to our parents. They went through a rough time too when Victor and I gave him up, so saying no is almost like seeing them let go again. Hence, why we kept it a secret. How ever, to figure out what time Victor would be leaving for his trip, we knew we would need to tell his parents about the visit. No surprise, Victor's family wanted to see Jude.
Long story short, they changed their departure date to the 22nd and K,G, and J would come in later in the afternoon and have dinner with Victors bigger-than-normal family. How much bigger you ask? Well, there were
  • Victor's Parent (2)
  • Victor's Brothers (2)
  • Victor's grandparents from Germany (2)
  • Victor's grandma (1)
  • Victor's two young cousins from Germany (2)
and of course
  • Victor (1)
  • Jude, Katie, and Greg (3)
  • Me (1)
If you kept count thats 14 people coming to this dinner.

The plan was for Jude and his folks to stop  by my house for a bit and see my parents and my sister, Sarah, who hasn't seen him since he was born. I told her two weeks in advance when he was coming and trying to arrange it special just so she could see him. However, she decided her friends and the beach was more important, but that is a whole other selfish story. Greg also was informed at the last minute that his meeting would go longer than he thought and could not make it to our visit. Katie came with he cousin, Lily instead, which was totally great with me because I love meeting Katie and Greg's families.

I picked Victor up and brought him back to my house. Katie, Lily, and Jude had just arrived and were walking up my drive way when we pulled in. Jude looked just as blonde and pale as ever. Katie looked as amazing as ever, and Lily could have been her sister if I hadn't known any better. I gave Jude a big kiss on his fat whittle cheeks and hugged and shook hands with Katie and Lily. We went into the house and my mom and stepdad had there time with them. I still needed to do my hair, so I went into my room and worked on that.

Jude to me didn't look much different to me, maybe a little taller and his hair was cut, but nothing more. Then in my room I heard a little voice. Not like a squeak or anything, but a small child's voice. I went back into the living room where everyone was at and there was Jude, talking away. "Door" "Up" Doggy" "Agua" "Momma" Dadda" "Outside" "Inside" "Hot" "MMMM Good" "Let see (for let me see)" and "Lets go!" My bio son talks! Not only that but understands even more english and spanish words! Genius!

The best part though....


my bio son high fives AND...

fist bumps!

Yeah, he's awesome.

After my parents house, Victor, Katie, Lily, Jude and I stopped by Safeway to grab some diapers and wipes, then we went to Victor's parents house. Everyone greeted us at the door and from there is was a whirl wind of Russian and German accents and food.

Victor was the same as he is at all the visits. He kept his distance and didn't say much. Jude was so interested in him (maybe because Victor had worn a Tie-dye shirt that day), but he kept his distance, almost like he knew he should. Within the first 10 minutes of being with his family, he had to leave. Even if it is his own family, social situations of more than 5 people become stressful for him. So despite what he wanted to do, he needed to leave. He sent me a heart breaking text later saying "I miss you. I miss Jude. I wish I could have been a better father." I called him immediately and told him that he did the right thing by giving him up, and even though we didn't get the visit we wanted, his family got what they needed and I'm sure they were truly grateful for that.

And they were. Everyone had a camera out and took as many pictures as possible. Katie and Jude played on the trampoline in the back yard with Victor's youngest brother and his cousins. They were very good with him and Jude loved being able to fall and not get hurt. Lily and I chatted up Victor's family, took pictures, and guarded the edges of the trampoline. Jude hugged or fist bumped everyone there, even Victor's dog Sammy. He hugged Victor's Mom like 30 times and jumped and climbed all over anyone who would let him. Around 7pm he started to get cranky, but luckily Victor's parents have Netflix on demand and put on the only show he will watch, Yo Gabba Gabba.

(Side note: seriously though, WTF is up with that show??? Are the writes and designers on acid the whole time and just put what they see?! Idk, but if Jude loves it then I do too.)

He watched 4 episodes while we ate dinner and dessert and talked. Then he became cuddly and Katie and I traded sitting with him and snuggling with him. We all left by 9pm, waaayyy past Jude's bedtime, but he would sleep in the car. Katie and Lily dropped me off back at my house and we made unofficial plans for our next time to be the weekend before his birthday.

All in all, it was a great, but stressful visit. I guess the next thing that most birth parents and adoptive parents wonder is "Did you get sad?"

Well, that post of for next time.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I swear I'm ok!

I'm just stressed with moving and such. I'm going to Humboldt in the fall and packing my room up and trying to find an apartment and making sure my transcripts are all in order and yeah......

But Jude, Katie, and Greg are coming for a visit on Saturday! YAY! I will be definitely be writing about that :)

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Father's Day 2012

I know it’s not father’s day yet, well at least here in the U.S.A, I have one more day. Father’s day for me how ever isn’t a big deal. My dad only saw me once every two weeks and after I got pregnant I really decided that I didn’t want to be there. I love him and such, just not around him. I’m an out of sight out of mind kind of person. My Step dad is a nice enough man, he takes care of my mom, sister, and me and I also love him. We get him a gift and a card and celebrate it with him as well. However, he has 5 other biological kids to spend his day with. 
I forgot to send Greg a card, which is my bad, and I’ll just send him a pretty email card or a late real card. Then there is the other technical father person in my life, Victor.
Every time there is an opportunity for Victor to be involved in the adoption or have anything to do with Jude, I ask him straight up, “Do you want to do this?” “How would you feel about this?” “What do YOU want to do while this is happening?” and anything else that would apply to that situation. Victor’s aspergers makes social situations weird enough as it is, add in a kid, which while he likes Jude, is still a kid which makes things super uncomfortable for him. Plus if Jude screams, which I expect him to do, Victor’s hearing might be affected and he might, well as I call them, “have a fit”. This results in him being broody, moody, sulky, and an asshole. Victor knows his limits, lays them out for me and his expectations and what he wants.
So, I asked him about Father’s Day. I asked him: “Do you want to do anything?” No “Do you want a gift?” No “Ok, do you want to be acknowledged at all as a Father that day?” No. It was the answer I expected and I thought that was the end of that, but something weird happened. Victor suddenly became sad and removed. I could tell that he was off some how and I asked him if he was alright. At that moment we had arrived at Red Robin for dinner. He said we would talk about it later. 
Once we put our name in, we went outside to wait for an available table. After a couple of minutes and his mood was still the same. I asked him “Did I make you sad about Father’s day? I’m sorry” He said…(and I quote to the best of my memory)
“No, it wasn’t you. I just don’t think I’m worthy to be a part of father’s day. I just don’t feel like I …..deserve to be called a father. I don’t take care of him. I’m not there for him, and yeah, I don’t take care of him.”
My Heart Broke.
I had never heard anything so……sad, human, parental like, come from Victor. I almost cried right there and then. I honestly didn’t know what to say to that. Victor is a logical person. I could tell him to the moon and back that he is wrong and that while he doesn’t take care of him now, he took care of me when I was pregnant, took care of Jude in the hospital, made the RIGHT decision for Jude’s life, and does far more than what I expected for Jude now than I had ever thought.
So I just told him, that I think he is wrong, but I know he wouldn’t believe me.
Guys, my heart breaks for him.
I wish I could just show him that he’s wrong. He doesn’t have to celebrate father’s day if he doesn’t want to, but dammit he should know that he does count! He tries so hard every time we see Jude to be involved and get along with Katie and Greg. He wants to help me with every project I want to do for Jude. He wants to visit with Jude almost every single visit, despite the fact that originally he planned to not see Jude at all after he was placed. 
I just wish he saw what I saw. 
He broke my heart…again….but for an entirely different reason.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Friday, May 18, 2012

College....decisions, decisions, decisions

Well, here I am staring my future right in the face and I have no flippin’ idea what to do. Here’s the sitch…
I applied to 5 schools, four of which I have heard back from, the last I wont know until June. All of which I applied for social work as my major, all schools far away from home (the closest being 6 hours away), and all schools I don’t give a rats ass about. I think I have ruled out 3 of the schools and I’m down to two choices. These were my 5 choices: CSU Humboldt, Portland State University, Eastern Washington University, Salem (Mass.) State University, and I still haven’t heard from University of Washington. I have narrowed it down to Humboldt and U of W. I officially accepted to Humboldt as like a back up school, but I don’t really know what I would do if I was accepted to U of W. My chances of that though are slim. I know freshman who had better grades and extra curricular activities than me who didn’t get in. It makes me think my chances are slim, but it was my “What the hell” school. 
The problem I have seem to found my self is I have now become aware of how lonely I will really be no matter where I go. I’ll be away from my family, my friends, Jude, and Victor. I’ve never been far away from Victor before, and quiet frankly its scary. I knew I would be away from my family and Jude, those were givens. My friends though, I didn’t really think about them. I don’t want to leave them yet. I’m also scared of leaving Jude, not because I don’t think he’ll be safe or whatever. Its really just because I don’t want to leave him. I don’t see him often, I know, but still I like knowing he’s only three or so hours away. Now, he will be at least 9 hours away:/
Is it fair to say I don’t want to make huge life decisions right now? I think I’ll become a college drop out, bum around Europe a while, and stalk Matt Smith and Daniel Radclift until one of them marry me (Or both in a perfect world). That should keep me there for a long time right? 

Monday, May 14, 2012

My Birth Mothers Day Outft

  • My adoption rocks t-shirt
  • My infinity necklace
  • My charm necklace
  • My adoption rocks livestrong-like bracelet
  • My juicy couture charm bracelet
All meaningful things to me that some how represent Jude and/or the adoption :)

Friday, May 11, 2012

Birth Mother's Day 2012

Tomorrow is my second birth mothers day ever and I couldn’t be more excited. I feel like Birth Mother’s day is really my day to celebrate the adoption. To celebrate the good choices I made and to be seen as some kind of mom. Mother’s day is not for me. Giving birth to a child doesn’t make some one a mother, its so much more than that. 
I really wanted to do something big for Birth Mothers day this year, but I sold my soul to school this quarter and am taking a 7 hour class on saturdays. Not only that, but I need to work after school. While the actually physical celebration wont take place that day, I will hold my head up high that day and be proud of who I am. I might celebrate in my own way. My job after school is house sitting for a nice couple with a dog, so maybe I will paint or draw.
So, to all my other birth moms out there, though it is early, Happy Birth Mother’s Day. You are all wonderful and unselfish women. Your birth children and adoptive parents are privileged and should be honored to have a part of you in their lives. 

Friday, April 20, 2012


I got pictures today from our last visit! I'm a happy birth mom! <3

Thursday, April 12, 2012


Something horrible has happened this past week.
I have two cats, Juno and Kibo. Juno is more of my mom’s cat. She is social, talkative, and pretty much a small dog. Kibo on the other hand, she’s a stereotypical cat. She ignores you, loves food, and sleeps all day. She doesn’t like anyone in the family…..EXCEPT ME! We don’t know why she does, but she loves me. She have given me kisses, she lets me harass her, and she will sit with me the longest. Her most important and the reason I love her, she knows when I’m sick, upset, or in need of cuddles. She will sit with me for hours, for as long as I want her to sit with me, or she needs something (food, water, etc.).

I love Jude, with all my heart and soul, and no one can ever replace him. Kibo though, is my second baby. She is my love and my angel in so many ways. 
After I had Jude, came home, and sat (and cried); Kibo knew. She sat with me every day I was in bed. Some days longer than others, but everyday for at least 3 hours she was there. For that amount of time, great or small, it was like a break from hell. My biggest problem my first few days out of the hospital (other than the obvious of not having a baby), was that the world kept spinning while I was going throw the worst moment of my life. My mom, sister, Victor, and everyone else who supported me were there as much as they could. They still had lives though, that included school, work, errands, etc. and I understood that, but dammit I just needed the world to stop for me! Kibo though, her world is sleeping and sitting. So while Kibo sat with me, I was able to pretended the world stopped for me.
Now, on to the bad news…..
Last week my baby came how with a smallish cut on her ass area. The next day we let her out and it got BIGGER. It almost looked like something grabbed a bit of her fur and ripped out her hair and skin. After a few days of it not healing we finally took her to the vet. $500, stitches, antibiotics, and a cone later she is home and skittish.
While at the vet today though, my mom told my step dad how much it would cost and he flipped. He started going on how he should just shoot her, let her die, or give her back to the pound. I yelled at him no and told him I would pay for it. He said no, but if something happens to her again it was death or the pound for her. I went into room and cried. I don’t care if I spend thousands of dollars on Kibo. I would make a deal with the devil if it meant I could have her happy and healthy for ever. The thought of her dying makes me physically sick to my stomach. To have him threaten to end her, it just…….I felt like I died a little bit. I lost one baby, I don’t want to loose another.
 Luckily she has all the medication she needs, my mom and me are spoiling her, and we are making sure she is well taken care of.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

A Strange Ocurrence

A strange and cool thing happened while I was babysitting yesterday. A little back story on this family first.
I watched a 8-9 year old girl named Hannah* yesterday morning while her parents went out and ran in a race. I've know Hannah and her family since they moved in before Hannah was born. Hannah was adopted and from what I understand the family has a semi-open (or did have, I'm not sure what the situation is now) adoption. They had tried to adopt a second child but after 2 or 3 attempts that led to heart break, they gave up. They are a very nice couple and at first I considered them to adopt Jude. The declined though and said that they were too old to adopt a new born. It all worked out in the end though and they focused on other things in their life.
Hannah is a very smart and straight forward kind of girl. She likes sports, riding her bike, and other more typical girl things. It was 7am, so I wasn't in the best mood to be an active and fun loving baby sitter. Luckily for me, Hannah just wanted to sit around and watch a movie. Later we made some food, attempted to make pudding (that never set for some reason), and went out for a walk/bike ride. Some time during all of that, she turned to me and asked:
"So, who was Jude adopted to?"
I was really thrown off. Not many kids ask me questions like that. Mainly because not many kids that I watch know that I was pregnant. Also because they don't care, which is understandable because, duh, there just kids. Not only that, but I didn't really know that  Hannah knew about my whole  situation. I didn't want to drill her with questions on how she knew about Jude and such, so I just answered her question as simply as I could.
I didn't know that Hannah had knew about adoption. I didn't want to ask if she knew that she was adopted, because she might not have and then that would have been extremely bad. It's refreshing though to see a child be open and curious about things around them though, and its more refreshing for me to see a child interested in my adoption. Even if it was one question, its a question I like to answer and inform people about. I want to educate others on adoption and even my adoption experience if they want to know.
It was one question, but it meant a lot to me. 

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Visit 3/3/12

This last weekend I had a wonderful visit with Jude, Katie and Greg! Before I get into this visit though, I need to share some back story so you understand my mind set during this visit.
A month or two ago I had a sort of a revelation or ephifany. This is really hard for some people to understand, so lets hope it goes well here.

I am very happy with where Jude is. I don't want him back. I don't want to raise him in anyway. He is better off with Katie and Greg and I am better off without Jude. I love getting pictures, updates, and visits. I never ever want to stop seeing him. I love him more than anything else in the world and would be thrilled if, when he's older, he would like to spend a weekend with me or even invite me to special events.  However, I'm fully aware that I am not his mother and I'm not going to pretend that I am. I gave birth to him. I will always love him like he is my son. I will always be there for him if or when he needs me. My mothering "duties" stop there. I'm not the one who wakes up with him when he gets sick in the middle of the night. I am not the one who will make him sandwiches for school. I'm not the one who will ground him for crashing the car. I will also not be the one who will get mothers day cards, watch him graduate from college, and drill the girl he brings home to marry. That is not a role I am meant to play in his life and I am happy that I won't be able to play that role. I have the opportunity to play a different role all together and I am perfectly excited about it.

Now that we have gotten that straight, I'll tell you about the visit.

We decided to go to the beach the day before. Victor was unsure if he had wanted to go to the beach with us, but he knew he wanted to see Jude. I asked Katie and Greg if we could have lunch before hand and they happily agreed. When I told my parents this, they got their big puppy eyes out and asked if they could come too. I couldn't say no to them, but honestly I just didn't want them to come that visit. It messed up a lot of different things. 1). That many people and people that he knows hates him (my stepdad especially) sets off his Aspergers and he becomes very quiet and anti-social. 2). I made it seem like it would only be me and Victor at the lunch and then all of a sudden two more people are there. 3). Because of its short notice I didn't have time to inform Victor's parents that Jude was coming for a visit. The adoption was hard on them too and I know for sure that at least Victor's mom would have liked to see him. It just sucks that my parents have the advantage of being right next to me when they hear Jude is in town. 

As stressed as I was though, lunch went by well. Victor interacted with Jude a bit. My parents talked to Greg and Katie. Victor and I really just talked to each other. I gave them their christmas presents and watched Jude build with blocks. My step dad even talked to Vlad for a bit about transferring to schools. At one point it got to be too much for Victor and he went outside, but other than that it was great. Later, after the visit, I told Victor about our day and he had said it wished it had gone differently because he felt like he didn't get the kind of visit he wanted because of all the stress and his Asperger's caused. 

After lunch, Katie, Greg, Jude, and I drove to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. We talked, walked along the pier, went in the water some. Jude and I played in the water, Katie and Greg did as well, but not at much because they weren't dress appropriately. We stayed there for a couple of hours. We changed Jude into a different outfit and got some stuff to eat. I went to the best candy store ever. Jude ate some Mum-mums and watermelon. Katie had cucumbers and pineapple and Greg ate a deep fried twinkie. Then we drove back to my house and parted ways from their. I don't know when our next visit is, but it doesn't matter. The whole time I was there I kind of felt like their nanny or like their family friend, but I was totally cool with it. They are both roles I'm good at playing and I like playing.

I was so happy to see them all. Jude has grown so much! He's starting to talk and babble. He can say Mama, dada, and hot. He walks and runs pretty well. Can built up blocks and knock them down. Sleeps through the night and eats all of his food. He has just started to throw tantrums, but they last two minutes at most. His favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba! and he likes shoes. He looks like and acts most like Victor. He has so many physical traits that Victor has. Their eyes, their facial expressions, their swirl on the back of their head. Their both not morning people, eat almost anything, and sleep like the dead. Oh, my boys, my two favorite boys. 

 Until next time :)

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Mother Wonder

So, in my last post I talked about the “What ifs” and said that the only thing I could possibly know about the future was what kind of mother I would be. Well, I have been thinking about that a lot lately for multiple reasons. One, my neighbor just had a baby a few days ago. Two, I’ve already started thinking about Jude’s birthday present. Three, I have a visit with Jude soon and that always makes me think of him more.
I thought I would share my views and thoughts on parenting with you lovely folks (because I know you all care so much). Really though, I’m doing this more for my self, so that when I’m like 30 and really do have my own kids, I can read this and either see that I stuck with my views or laugh at my younger naive self. 
Lets make some assumptions though because I have no REAL idea of how future me is going to be like. Lets assume that when I do have kids; I have no monetary limit and I have a supportive husband.
I know I need to buy things like a crib, changing table, a swing, a stroller, and a car seat. But I hate the idea of buying something that doesn’t grow with the child and after a year I would need to get rid of it because its too small. I personally think its stupid. I would buy as much as possible with the ability to grow with the child. I’m not sure if I would want a crib, but like a small bed with a fence around it or something. I’d use a dresser with one of those padding used in a changing table on top or the floor.
There was this company that I found that I loved called Stokke. They make products that grow with the child, like their bed is made for birth until 10 yrs. old. Their high chair is made to last all stages of life, birth until death. Amazing, cool, and expensive, but if that crib/bed would last me 10 years then its worth it. Anything I couldn’t buy that would grow with the baby, I would buy second hand stuff. There is a wonderful world of Goodwill and Salvation Army out there, why not use them to full advantage?
This covers everything from sleeping, eating, play time, scheduling, etc. I’m going to make this short and to the point because some of these we can go on and on about.
  • Sleep - Baby sleeping in its own space. No Co-sleeping what so ever. I toss and turn and sleep on top pillows and it would just be bad. 
  • Eating - Love meat, love veggies, love sugar, love fast food; In short I love food. I want to my children to love and experience food too. Not too much of the bad stuff and definitely try different cultures food
  • Crying - I’m a big believer in babies cry for no reason some times. Letting them cry it out sometimes is, in my mind, is ok. I mean I wouldn’t do this for twenty minutes, but for five is reasonable. If i’m doing something like taking out the trash or taking a shower and the baby starts crying. I finish taking the trash out and I finish washing what ever I was washing, then go get the baby. 
  • Scheduling - I want this baby/kid on a somewhat flexible schedule. I want it to become more strict as he/she gets older, but not too strict.
  • I am vaccinating my children.
  • C-section and drugs all the way when it comes to child birth.
  • I am sending them to day care, even if its for one day a week.
  • I want to be a stay at home mom while they are in preK-5th grade, then go back to work after that.
  • I will tell them, when their old enough and/or if Jude is in our lives, that Jude is their family and how he’s my birth son and all that.
  • I think I would use both cloth and disposable diapers.
Now this is all assuming I’m at an appropriate age to have a kid and all my ducks are in a row, so to speak. If I would have kept Jude or had another baby now, things would be totally different. I would just need to get by with whatever I can. I would have to work most of my day, buy everything second hand, and not have much help from Victor. There are too many factors to determine how I would be. I only know one thing that I would definitely do as a teen parent.
If I was teen or young adult, like I am now, I would give up EVERYTHING and ALMOST any thing that would be something a typical teenager would do. As far as I’m concerned, being a teenager is a privilege and a relatively new one at that. I lost the privilege to go out and drink, do drugs (if I ever did do any), go out with friends randomly, and other teenage things, the moment the second pink line appeared. You can’t have the lifestyle of a teenager and a mom symotantiously. 
I love kids and definitely want at least one more in the near future, but for now I’m happy with the life I’m living. Lets see if ten years from now, if I still accept these parenting views or not.
Authors Note: In the famous words of India Arie “Don’t be offended, this is all my opinion, ain’t nothin’ that I’m saying law”. In other words, nothing I say is fact just my opinion. If you don’t like what I’m saying, you can stop reading.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

There is a Hole in my Body

When I gave Jude up and left the hospital, I was devistated. I literally felt a hole in my heart. A piece of me was missing from my heart and sometimes it felt like I had a hole in my chest. There was no pain. Just a hole in my chest. I could feel the skin dip down into my chest and I couldn’t feel that area where the hole was.
That feeling went away though. The hole never did go away though, nor do I think it will. The feeling went away though and I could function.
That feeling came back. It was random. I wasn’t sad, I just felt like I was missing something. That something wasn’t right in my life and I missed Jude. The hole in my chest came back and it stayed there for a night.
I wasn’t sad. I didn’t cry. I didn’t pine for a fantasy. I just missed my birth son and wanted to hold him. 
The hole was gone the next morning. The hole is gone now.
I wonder how long it will stay gone?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The "What if" Factor

What if?
Its the big question in life. Trying to guess if the things you didn’t do are regrets or good choices. To a birth mom its a huge question.
What if I had kept my baby? 
Its a big thing to contemplate. I used to think about it all the time in the begging of the adoption and often during pregnancy. So many things to consider. So many things would change and be completely different. 
What If I had Kept Jude?
  • What would my life be like?
  • Would I be happy? Would Jude be happy?
  • What kind of mom would I have been?
  • How would Jude turn out with Victor and I as parents?
  • What would Victor’s role be in our lives?
  • Where would we have lived?
  • What would my parents think?
  • What would Victors parents think?
  • Would I have been able to go to school?
  • and the list goes on and on…..
I don’t think about this question as much anymore. It crosses my mind every once in a while, usually caused by a parenting tip or opinion I read somewhere. I can’t change the past, so why think about a life that doesn’t exist?
I can’t help but wonder though and I’m sure other Birth Moms do as well sometimes, What if? 

Monday, January 23, 2012

I Hate Everything

Seriously though, I'm every where today. UP then Down, distracted then focus, happy then sad, sexy then ugly. I'm just one big mess. I don't really know what to do. Its why I haven't really wrote anything. Over the last few weeks I have been sick, got a concussion, got a guinea pig (:D!), and all sorts of other stuff. So this week, I'm just gonna update all you all on the adoption over the last few weeks because I am clearly not sane right now.

So, a couple weeks ago, I found out Katie and Greg had moved. A big surprise to me! I was pissed, 1/4 of the reason because this violates our legal contract, but since they moved like two blocks away from their old house, I didn't really care. 3/4 of the reason because I had sent their christmas presents to their old address. I went to the post office last week and they told me that who ever was at that house, took the package and signed for it and stuff. Greg called the new tennants at the old house and they swear they didnt get a package. Liars

So I re-bought everything and I will give it to them at our next visit. I'm super bummed I had to re-buy everything, but I cant just let Jude have no christmas present! He's too cute not to get anything. :P

Speaking of which, our next visit will be in March some time. My dad has let me use the family beach house for my birthday (I'll be 21 in February), but the house is being used on my birthday, so I will be using it one weekend in March. I invited Katie, Greg, and Jude to stay with me while I'm down there. They'll probably hang out for a day or so, and I couldn't be more excited.

Other than that, nothing really else to report. Victor seems more involved in wanting to know more about Jude and enjoying looking at pictures of him. I'm not really sure if its a phase or maybe Victor is having some emotional issues with the adoption and I just don't know about them yet. Whatever the reason, I'm happy he's more involved and worried he going through something he isn't telling me.

Until next time followers

Monday, January 9, 2012

The Playlist: I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

Ok, so I just got this song like one day ago. I didn't really listen to it, but I like Jason Mraz a lot so I knew I would like this song. I just listened to it like a half an hour ago in the car, and (I shit you not) I was almost in tears. I was trying so hard not to cry because I was on my way to see Victor for the first time in a month and I didn't want him to see me like that.

So I held it together, but Oh My Goodness this song reminded me so much of the adoption! It reminded me of my feels during the adoption, my feelings now, and how much I wonder what kind of relationship Jude and I will have in the future. Its just like....Wow.

Its a love song some of the parts don't really apply, but overall its one of my new favorite songs. 

"I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz
Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up