Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Back Story: Part 1

I think that I start going into any issues that I am currently having, I should explain my situation, pregnancy, adoption, and so on and so forth. What I'm going to try to do here is just give a very general overview, maybe go into some detail about certain things, but mainly just get threw the important things. I want to do this because I think certain events and situations would make really good discussion topics and I would want to go into more detail and then there would be a tangent in the story. I like tangents, I go of on them all the time, but only certain stories can have tangents in them and this is not one of them. Let's start at the beginning.

Part 1: Shit, Dammit, Fuck!
January 10th, 2010 - The day Victor F., the love of my life and the guy I gave my heart, body, and soul to, told me that he no longer loved me and broke up with me. He didn't know when or how it happened, but he realized the day before that he no longer loved me romantically. The thing about Victor is he's a very straight forward thinker. He sees things in black, white, and sometimes gray. So if he knows/feels something is off about him, he will sit down and think about it. Me on the other hand, I'm more driven by my emotions. In my mind, love just couldn't disappear all of a suddenly. Especially a love thats been around since 7th grade, when we first met. Granted we were on and off often, but up until that moment we were on for 2-3 years. I cried for 4 hours in the street and he stayed with me the whole time; answering the questions I asked/yelled no matter how many times I asked it, trying to physically comfort me with hugs or pats on the back without it having be misconstrued, and just making sure that I was going to be OK.

The great thing about Victor and I is we can honestly just be friends. We each others best friends and we didn't want to loose that. I can't stand it when things are weird between people for a long period of time, so 3 or so days later I went over to his house and we tried to hangout. Luckily it was successful, up until the end. I was about to leave and as I got up to leave one of us, I forget who, touched the other. Like a hand of the others arm, that turned into both hands of the arms, and that turned into a hug. Thats when we gave each other the look.

It's the moment when two people look into each other's eyes and know what's going to happen next. We kissed, kissing lead to, groping and other sexual actions that eventually lead to sex. I knew it didn't mean anything, but we just needed to see. We needed to see that if what we had could come back. It didn't of course and afterwards things were a bit awkward. I went home and the next day I left Cali for Oregon. My grandma had surgery, so me and my mom went up to help her around the house.

Here's how Jude came to be. I have been on the pill for years. I know how the pill works and how the timing works. I've been on it so long that my body was on a schedule. The day that me and Victor had sex was the first day I was off my pills for the week. I had my period like normal and then I decided to stay off my pills. I had been on them for like 4 years straight and had been told that it was bad for your body if you stayed on them too long. I had two reasons why I wasn't worried I would get pregnant. 1) In theory, when u have a period that should mean no egg is present. However this is not true all the time, which I knew. But reason number 2 came in after that. 2) Victor and I had pretty much been having sex as long as we were dating. A good portion of that time we were using protection, but some of the time we weren't. I've had pregnancy scares before and I was quite used to them. In the end though I was never pregnant. Now I believe in luck, but Victor and I were like rabbits. It was getting to a point where we were realizing that we were either INCREDIBLY lucky or that maybe one or both of us had infertility problems. Which, given our age, we were really fine with. So at that moment in time, I just kinda thought that I couldn't get pregnant.

A few weeks later, I was back at CSUMB. I had just started my second semester and was getting used to my classes. I was in between jobs and to make money I would babysit for the families I babysat in SJ. So, I would end up going home a lot. I would talk to Victor often and see him when ever we had the time. Around the second week of February, I realized I have had my period yet. I counted the days to make sure. "OK, well going on and off of the pills screw with your system. I'll take a pregnancy test to make sure" The test came back false/positive, and thats when I knew. I told Victor and my roommates so they knew what was going on and I made an appointment with the school health center. When they did their test, they told me I wasn't pregnant but to come back in a week if I haven't had my period yet. I had a really good feeling I was pregnant. I felt different some how, but if the doctors said no then it must be no. So I continued with my life like normal. Went to school, got a new job at a Dry Cleaners in Sand City, and hung out with my friends. A week went by and nothing. I was home that weekend and my parents and Sarah were gone for most of the day. So I took this opportunity to take another pregnancy test. Now most people seem to think the most evil sign in the world is 666, an upside down cross, or a swatzica but their wrong; Its two bright pink lines. I had never seen that other line before, at first I was confused, but then it set in.

The first thing I did was throw away the test in its own bag and threw that bag away in my trash. I called Victor and asked him if I could come over. His parents and brothers were on vacation, so he was alone in the house. The last thing I did before I left the house was take a good long look in the mirror. I was extremely pale, and thats saying something considering I'm as white as a ghost to begin with. I seemed smaller some how and I could hear my heart beating loudly. This couldn't be happening; It had to be a nightmare and any minute I would wake up in my own bed. . . . . dammit. I couldn't be a mom! Moms are women who are normally married, have good paying jobs, and know what their doing. I had none of those things.

I walked into Victor's house, took my shoes off, and walked down the hallway to his room. He was on his computer in his room. I told him what happened, I was hysterical and talking way to fast, but he heard what I was saying. This is all he said "Fuck!", over and over again, for the next hour, in almost every room in the house. (Granted, I was fully aware that our current situation sucked and wasn't ideal, but would it have killed him to not act like the end of the world to have a kid with me?!) We talked a lot and for a long time. To make a long story short (because there was a lot involved in making this decision), Victor wanted to be involved with the pregnancy and baby. I agreed to look at all options with an open mind and so did he. It was our job to research our three options: abortion, adoption, and keeping the baby. I went back to the health center a few days later and they confirmed it; I was 18 and five weeks pregnant.

Victor and I talked almost everyday about our situation. About what we needed to do, at what times we would need to do those things, who we tell at this moment in time, and a bunch of other stuff. It was hard on both of us. He worries about me a lot before I was pregnant, while I was pregnant he acted like I was a fragile porcelain vase. Not only that but he had school, his parents pretty much treat him like there own personal butler, and he tutored kids as a job. Plus he couldn't easily get to me, I was living in Monterey Bay and he was in San Jose. I had to worry about my health, my actions, school, how I would deal with my family and friends, work, and the impending doom of knowing that soon I would get fat.

By the end of February we knew what we were going to do. Through a long thought process and a lot of research and yelling, we "decided" on adoption (another story for another time). So there we were; 19, pregnant, and going to put our baby up for adoption.

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